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Father and Child

Anthony Vanderford. March 9, 1971 - August 29, 2005

Nine years later. Here I am. I have survived; I survive "widowhood."

I think I dread this day less and less each year. But I'm not certain now that I've typed that sentence. I don't know. Time heals, I suppose, but it is a strange and partial sort of healing. When I stop and think back to nine years ago, I am swept away by such grief. Perhaps it's not that "time heals" insomuch as each year I bury that grief more deeply under new and subsequent scars.

And thus, I mark the day. It is the day I realized most profoundly how everything changes, everything is fragile, some of us so much more fragile than others. Many people had their worlds collapse on August 29, 2005, when Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast. My loss was just one loss, unrelated to hurricanes but still so devastatingly catastrophic.

So I carry the pain and the loss, try to remold it, and reshape it, and redirect it towards justice and solace. I'm not sure what else I can do. But fight. And live, until I too die.

Photo credits: Anthony Vanderford, Self Portrait

Audrey Watters


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